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09:21 am: Medication and Me
Most of you know I have low testosterone and have probably had it for my entire life. The doctors all kind of boggle when they see my numbers and I actually had a female friend recently tell me that her numbers are higher than mine, which is a little disconcerting. (She has high testosterone, for a woman.)

I'm taking Androgel, a replacement therapy gel that I put on every morning and things are going fairly well. In men, low testosterone can lead to a million different problems ranging from tiny to huge. The replacement therapy has helped with some of the larger issues like fatigue, sex drive, and mild depression.

The relatively high doses of Vitamin D, C, E, and B, plus a general multivitamin may also be helping with some of these problems. I take this all every morning before noon when I put on my gel and things seem to be going well. I'm more energetic, with more drive to actually do things during the day rather than sit around and come up with excuses why those things can't get done.

Oh, how insidious that loop can be, convincing yourself that there's no way you can go do the dishes because that would keep me from writing a blog post or watching the baby. I'm sure I can go do the dishes in an hour while the baby takes a nap; I'll just wait that hour and then do them.

Now the baby's napping and doing dishes makes a lot of noise, so it's best that I just leave them alone for now. The baby needs her sleep, after all!

Depression and fatigue don't go well together. Fatigue means that your body actually feels tired all the time and depression means that you're not going to work hard to overcome that tired feeling and actually get things done because your mind will convince you that there's no real point to it anyway. It's a one-two combo punch that leads to the uppercut of the depression then getting stronger because you're now convinced that since you didn't get any of the stuff done that you were supposed to do, you're worthless.

I've always known that I have a bad brain; the chemicals are just messed up enough to make me spend most of my life feeling worthless and then not doing anything to fix that. Living in a world of depression is living a world full of suck, allow me to attest to that.

With the medication and the regimen of vitamins, things seem to be changing, and for someone who has lived with this horrible cycle of depression leading to inaction leading to depression, it almost seems too good to be true. The change is almost miraculous and I don't think I'm even at the full extent of the change yet since I've only been doing this for a week now; I just don't feel that everything has quite 'taken hold' yet, and I may actually need a higher dose of Androgel to get me up to what medical science considers a normal level. This would, in theory, mean that my energy level and overall drive would go up even more.

The changes are surprising, really. I have an idea of something productive that I should do and instead of just saying "Yeah, that's a nice idea," followed by doing nothing, I now get up and go do that thing that needs doing. Instead of finding reasons why I can't go do this thing, I find solutions to the problems that get in my way and go get the thing I need to do, done. Once it's done I don't have to worry about it anymore and I don't have to feel like a loser because I didn't get this thing done. It's done and out of my mind.

Weird, the way the world works, sometimes. It feels like so much has opened up to me in this world; more possibilities, happiness, and amazingness ahead. I've had a life filled with all of these things. To suddenly feel like there's even more ahead? That's an amazing feeling.

Now, I just need this to keep going and not let it slip away. Any suggestions on how to do that?


[User Picture]
Date:June 25th, 2013 02:28 pm (UTC)
It's pretty staggering how much our worldview is influenced by such factors. I'm glad yours is lifting.
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