Jeremiah

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01:10 pm: Introductions
I'm not who I used to be.

I'm not extremely different from who I used to be but at the same time I'm completely different.

You see, I killed myself.

I was supposed to die. That was the plan. I was supposed to leave for the west coast without any money in my pocket and with nothing more than what I could carry on my back, then I was supposed to disappear in the Washington mountains and wilderness in the middle of January, eventually found by a random passerby.

"Natural causes."

I had to make sure it was natural causes. Frozen to death; stupidity on my part. Not suicide. I couldn't do that to my friends. It'd be easier if I just died, not by my own hand but by my own intention.

Turns out I didn't actually die. Sorry if I spoiled the story for you.

Instead, I found myself meeting person after person who cared. Who helped me make it to the next stop in my journey. I moved forward and when I looked up at the sky at night I huddled deep into my (gifted) down sleeping bag to stay warm while the air was negative ten degrees. I struggled to stay alive. I realized I didn't want to die.

I had given away everything I owned. Moved away from everyone I knew. Got away from the source of the pain. I didn't want to die.

All I had to do was kill off everything I used to be.

I killed myself.

And I came to life.

It's nice to meet you again. I'm Jeremiah. The real me. Finally.

Comments

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From:tigrkittn
Date:March 5th, 2014 06:14 pm (UTC)
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Well damn - you got my attention.

Good to see you back again! :)
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From:jfargo
Date:March 5th, 2014 10:07 pm (UTC)
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It'll be fun!
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From:bleodswean
Date:March 5th, 2014 06:27 pm (UTC)
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Yes.

Nice to meet you.
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From:andrewducker
Date:March 5th, 2014 07:03 pm (UTC)
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Sometimes the problem is the context you are in - I'm glad that changing your context freed you to find something worth living for.
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From:jfargo
Date:March 5th, 2014 10:08 pm (UTC)
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I think that if I were to ever give a speech to a large crowd about not committing suicide it would be that once you've decided to kill yourself you may as well go do ANYTHING ELSE.

Change EVERYTHING about your life because if you're going to die anyway why not try something completely and utterly new?

The context is so much more important than folks seem to realize.
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From:goldmourn
Date:March 5th, 2014 07:26 pm (UTC)
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Hello, Jeremiah. Nice to meet you.
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From:deza
Date:March 5th, 2014 08:09 pm (UTC)
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Congratulations on finding the real you, and the wisdom to recognize people who truly care.
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From:jfargo
Date:March 7th, 2014 09:39 pm (UTC)
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Thank you.

The funny thing is that the people who I first realized cared were absolute strangers. They went out of their way to make my life easier, not because it did anything for them, but because I was a human being who was (very bad at hiding the fact that he was) in pain.

It has been over two years since I left on that journey now and sometimes I still tear up thinking about the things people did for me.
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From:roina_arwen
Date:March 5th, 2014 09:28 pm (UTC)
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Nice to meet the new you. I like your profile pic!
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From:jfargo
Date:March 5th, 2014 10:09 pm (UTC)
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Thank you. Personally I prefer this one.
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From:Jen Todd
Date:March 5th, 2014 10:06 pm (UTC)
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Hi Jeremiah.

Wow. This left me breathlessly alarmed, wondering if any part or if all of it was true. Regardless, and obviously, maybe the mystery of that is even more striking than the honest answer, I hope that if any piece of it is true, you are as newly content as you seem. I've seen your writing in the past, of course, but we are only tangentially aware of each other. That doesn't mean that I _too_ don't care!

I'm so happy you (the you you are and the you you were) are still here! <3
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From:jfargo
Date:March 5th, 2014 10:10 pm (UTC)
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Thank you for the kind words.

I guarantee you that this is 100% true. It's only the smallest part of the story, skipping over a few months and a thousand stories, but it's absolutely the truth.

Sorry to spoil the mystery, I suppose?
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From:x_disturbed_x
Date:March 5th, 2014 10:21 pm (UTC)
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Hello Jeremiah.

It's nice to meet you. :)
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From:banyangirl1832
Date:March 5th, 2014 11:39 pm (UTC)
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Brief, tidy and powerful. I'm very glad to make your acquaintance.
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From:jfargo
Date:March 7th, 2014 09:39 pm (UTC)
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Thank you for your kind words.
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From:sweeny_todd
Date:March 6th, 2014 01:01 am (UTC)
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I am glad you met those people.
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From:jfargo
Date:March 7th, 2014 09:39 pm (UTC)
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Me too. Thank you.
From:solstice_singer
Date:March 6th, 2014 01:05 am (UTC)
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It's always good to find oneself. Congratulations, and good luck this season.
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From:jfargo
Date:March 7th, 2014 09:40 pm (UTC)
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Thank you. You too.

I'm still finding parts of myself as it stands but it's nice to know who I am at my core.
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From:adoptedwriter
Date:March 6th, 2014 01:10 am (UTC)
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Welcome back! AW
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From:jfargo
Date:March 6th, 2014 02:01 am (UTC)
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Thank you! It's good to be back.
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From:zoethe
Date:March 6th, 2014 01:15 am (UTC)
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And we are all so glad to meet you again.

There were times when I honestly felt like I was talking you off a ledge. I'm glad that your tribe came through for you. Love.
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From:jfargo
Date:March 6th, 2014 02:01 am (UTC)
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When I was still in Buffalo nobody really talked me off the ledge (though I knew you and others cared - it wasn't about that at the time though, you know?). I NEEDED to walk away in order to walk into my future.

Thank you for everything you did to help me get there and for being my friend then and now. :)
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From:witchwife
Date:March 6th, 2014 01:31 am (UTC)
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I loved this. Extremely relateable - especially as another West Coast survivor!
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From:jfargo
Date:March 6th, 2014 02:00 am (UTC)
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The mountains in January are ROUGH.

I honestly don't know how I lived.
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From:ljidolvillian
Date:March 6th, 2014 01:58 am (UTC)
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My brother took his life Dec 23rd of last year. I will certainly be reading this journal.
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From:jfargo
Date:March 6th, 2014 01:59 am (UTC)
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You have probably heard this a million times but I am very sorry for your loss.

I do not know what else to say but I will continue to write from my heart.
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From:shay_writes
Date:March 6th, 2014 03:25 am (UTC)
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I always wondered what would happen to me if I did this. Just walked away from the life I had and give up everything.

I look forward to reading more.
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From:jfargo
Date:March 7th, 2014 09:41 pm (UTC)
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Sometimes people don't realize that walking away is an option.

Will there be repercussions? Of course.

But if, as in my case, the other option is suicide, well, walking away is obviously the best choice you can possibly make.

And thank you.
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From:sarin_girl
Date:March 6th, 2014 05:49 am (UTC)
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I'm so glad you didn't die! Cause then I wouldn't have gotten to meet you in real life, and also meet Laura and Lois! :)

I get why people sometimes want to end their lives, and I don't want to get into a huge discussion about it, but ending their live might end their pain, but it also ends any future happiness and awesome experiences too, that's all I want to tell people..

*hugs*
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From:jfargo
Date:March 7th, 2014 09:42 pm (UTC)
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*hugs*

Thank you.

This was an Introduction piece for this season's LJ Idol but it was still very much from the heart.

I'm very glad to still be around and to have gotten the chance to meet you. :)

And Laura and Lois, for that matter. I'd not have met them.
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From:snarkerdoodle
Date:March 7th, 2014 01:52 am (UTC)
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Definitely the most 'holy shit!' intro so far. Glad to have you still with us (in the larger sense), and also with us here in season 9. :)
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From:jfargo
Date:March 7th, 2014 09:42 pm (UTC)
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Thank you. I'm glad it got a visceral reaction. I was hesitant to write it but sometimes it's good to put the pain on the page.
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From:kathrynrose
Date:March 7th, 2014 01:53 am (UTC)
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Wow. This made me cry.

I am wordless.
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From:jfargo
Date:March 7th, 2014 09:43 pm (UTC)
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I am both sorry for the tears, and thankful for them.
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From:tatdatcm
Date:March 7th, 2014 03:50 am (UTC)
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Glad you met people who cared.

Your story touched me.

It's nice to meet you.
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From:jfargo
Date:March 7th, 2014 09:43 pm (UTC)
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Thank you. I'm glad I met them too. There's so much I have left to do on this planet. :)
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From:shimmerdream
Date:March 7th, 2014 02:35 pm (UTC)
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That was an incredibly powerful intro. Good to meet you.
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From:jfargo
Date:March 7th, 2014 09:44 pm (UTC)
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Thank you. I appreciate that very much.
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From:gratefuladdict
Date:March 7th, 2014 09:07 pm (UTC)
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I'm really, really glad that you're back.
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From:jfargo
Date:March 7th, 2014 09:44 pm (UTC)
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Me too.

Thank you.
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From:lrig_rorrim
Date:March 7th, 2014 09:10 pm (UTC)
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Damn. I don't even have words to express what a punch to the gut this introduction is (and that's a good thing - both the punch and the introduction itself). It's nice to meet you, and I'm glad you're still around to meet.
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From:jfargo
Date:March 7th, 2014 09:45 pm (UTC)
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Thank you for the kind words. I'm glad the punch to the gut came through; just thinking about that time of my life punches me in the gut and the fact that I was able to make that come through means a lot.
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From:the_lettersea
Date:March 8th, 2014 05:21 pm (UTC)
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I'll be watching your entries this season with great interest. :-) Nice to meet you, and good luck!
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From:penpusher
Date:March 8th, 2014 07:16 pm (UTC)
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Wow.

But... I feel I must ask... who are you?
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From:jfargo
Date:March 8th, 2014 07:17 pm (UTC)
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I'm me.

Nice to meet you.
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