I don't know how to tell this story, really, except to be very blunt. The only reason I am alive today is because I threw away my old life, walking away from it to move as far away as I could and almost die while walking through a desert.
I had decided that by January 15th, 2012, I would either be doing something amazing or I would be dead from my own hand, quietly and in a place where I'd not be found for a very long time. I knew how, where, and when. I was ready to die, or to delete my old life and start something new. It just came down to whether or not I was able to make this amazing thing happen. If not? No problem. I'd just be dead.
I've tried to write this up several times and each time I've focused on the "why" of feeling suicidal but I realized I can't do that. The fact of the matter was just that I was. A large part of myself just wanted to stop trying, and never try again. I was ready to die and it simply wasn't a big deal.
The day I realized I wanted to die I thought that if I was willing to kill myself why not try doing something completely different and have an adventure? If I died on the adventure or failed, who cared? Since I was going to take my own life anyway, why not have my suicide be different, have nature kill me, or be murdered on the streets in a major city while trying to busk for some coin? Since dying didn't matter, why not go try something new?
So that's what I did.
That's why I walked away from everyone and everything I knew and loved. I had to.
And walking away from everyone and everything was the best thing I have ever done for my own love of life. I left everything behind, stripped myself to bare bones, and learned that deep down I love who I actually am, not who I had become.
I'm not the same person I was before I left for my walk and I never will be again. I love life. I love living. Amazing things happened and my faith in humanity was restored. Better than that, my faith in me was restored.
I have been trying to write this for a while. I wanted to make it interesting but instead I just decided that I would put what was in my brain on "paper." I just figured that some people deserved to know why I left you behind and really didn't look back. I did miss most of you but I never once regretted walking away.
It's the best thing I ever did, and I hope you can understand.
I WILL answer any questions you have, if you ask, and if I know the answer.
