Jeremiah

06:40 am: My Brain Hurts
I used to be off caffeine. I wouldn't drink it except maybe at a party or on a rare occasion when I needed to stay up a little extra and that huge boost I would get from coffee or a soda would push me through for the next couple of hours. Maybe two caffeinated drinks a month was my limit.

Working at an office with free coffee and early hours (early when compared to my previous schedule of "get up whenever the hell you feel like it") combined to make me start drinking coffee again about a month ago.

The reason I went off of caffeine? The crash. For me, the crash is so much more than just a lack of energy; my emotions spiral downhill quickly and can spiral into a micro-depression. Many people tell me that's just a sign that I need more caffeine in my system to which I reply "I hate you."

I'm going off of it again and have been caffeine-free (or at least nothing more than a decaf coffee in the morning for the flavor) since Thursday. The headaches are just starting to kick in and my head feels like the Hulk is trying to escape.

Which brings me to this:

I saw Avengers the other day (nice segue, no?) and it was awesome. I heartily recommend it. To date it is easily my favorite comic book movie, with Iron Man coming in a close second. Avengers is also my favorite new movie of the year. Hunger Games could probably have taken that spot but the shaky camera work made me sick; worse, it annoyed the hell out of me.

Avengers made me laugh, it had me on the edge of my seat during battles, and it got me as invested in the characters as I really cared to be. It's a comic book movie so what more do you really need than some amazing one-liners, good visuals, and fantastic action? I went home happy.

The Thai food I had before the movie helped with the going home happy part too! There's a tiny little Thai place in this tiny little town and I was extremely pleasantly surprised at how good their food appears to be. Plus they don't hold back on the spice when you ask for heat! That's rare for almost any place that I've been.

Things are good. I just wish my head would stop pounding. Then they'd be great.

06:19 pm: Difficult To Write
I want to write a post that's going to sound like I'm bragging and that is very difficult for me to do. I can easily joke with friends about how awesome I am but to actually talk about the things that have happened that actually make me feel like I am awesome (and I do feel that I'm more awesome than I've ever been in my life) is almost impossible. It comes out feeling stilted because it has to fight against my internal barriers that say a good guy doesn't brag and this must be bragging since it's painting me in a good light.

But allow me to do so for a moment. By apologizing in advance I can stem the tide in my brain making me feel guilty. So I apologize in advance about talking about my awesomeness. Believe me, I feel horrible about it.

I realized this week that I have charisma bursting at the seams, mostly without trying.

I went to karaoke alone and ended up befriending a group of about 20, moving easily among them from person-to-person, laughing, joking, swapping stories and getting to know about each person individually while also chatting with the group as a whole. I've always been fairly good at this but never recognized it; I always used to worry afterward that I said or did something wrong. Now I focus on how much fun I had and don't worry about saying something wrong. It seems to be working for me.

I've stopped caring. I don't mean that in a bad way. I am out to have a good time, enjoy myself, and live a life that I deem good. This has only added to my ability to become a part of a group and make friends immediately and as I said, this is something I've always been good at doing. Now?

Wednesday night was karaoke. I was there alone to have a good time. By the end of the night I had a beautiful girl ask if she could come back and see my teepee. Honestly not realizing what she was getting at I demurred that my teepee is not an exciting place. She responded that we could make it exciting.

Oh.

OH.

I thanked her, made her laugh, and let her down easily. No worries; it would have been a lot of fun but I'm not looking for a one night stand and I would have felt guilty for other reasons as well (she had had a few drinks and seemed slightly inebriated, there's this woman I've been talking to that while we're not exactly a couple would have been hurt and disappointed, to name two of many). She took it all in stride, which was good. I walked her to her room* where she didn't attempt to invite me in, for which I am now grateful because as much of a White Knight as I may be I realize I can succumb to temptation as much as the next person.

But this incident plus a few other things happening in my life has made me take a really hard look at myself.

I never have seen myself as attractive. That has changed on some basic level. I never saw myself as good company. For that, I feel foolish. I stifled the fun, creative, outgoing side of me in fear that I would be seen as weird, or slightly odd. I AM weird. AND slightly odd. These are not bad things, which I wish I had realized long ago.

So watch out, world. Jeremiah's on top and he's the king.

Or at least some kind of minor Lord. I'd be okay with a Lordship. Kings have way too much to do, being all kingly and stuff. Perhaps I could be a Duke. A kick-ass Duke.

Either way? Life is good and I'm truly happy for the first time in a very long time.

*Maybe not the wisest move; I am human after all.

07:57 am: Tent Life
It's 7:47 as I begin to write this, sitting at a computer that doesn't belong to me but is free for use with extremely fast internet. I finished my half-hour morning swim (my legs are starting to look amazing and for the first time ever I am seeing some definition in my arms; not a lot, but it's coming along), spent about 10 minutes in the hot tub, and dried off in the sauna.

If I desire, I can lunch at a fantastic buffet, a bar and grill, or a fast-food place similar to McDonald's, all at extremely reasonable prices with my 20% discount for working for the same people who own them all. When I'm done here I'm going to go to the front desk and request they ring up shuttle service to bring me back to my place, or anywhere in town if I ask it to. Gratis!

The shuttle will take me back where I'll shower and shave. The water is hot and never runs out. It's almost as amazing as how my legs are starting to look and how I feel these days.

When the day runs out and the night falls I will go to my tent, zip myself into my warm sleeping bag, wrap myself in a warmer blanket, go to sleep, and rise with the sun.

So yes, I live in a tent. I pay about the same amount as I would for a really bad apartment that wouldn't have a pool, hot tub, sauna, constantly hot water, and people who are paid to make sure that I am having a good time and are there to solve problems (the fridge is full but you need a place to put your elk and salmon meat? Let us send you 10 lbs of ice in a good sturdy bag for the night!).

I feel like I'm winning.

11:26 pm: Planning, Working, Changing
Today I wrote a quick update on Facebook and Twitter: "No more mister Nice Guy. But in a good way."

This comment comes after some close examination of my life, what I know to be true, seeing how I act, and realizing there are some major discrepancies between who I believe I am and the person I show to the world.

I don't like that.

I've already started taking more ownership of my life, my actions, and my responsibilities. I realized that, at least in part, I was walking through life waiting for someone to hand me everything or at the very least expecting that even if all I put forth was the minimum effort the world was required to reward that with maximum benefits.

I never did this purposely, of course, but that doesn't excuse it. While I may not be able to make up for that sense of entitlement I didn't realize I had what I can do is make sure that I don't slip back into it and I am in charge of taking care of my own future. Earn what I want instead of expecting it.

Working on that goal and examining further I struck another realization that hit harder.

I've always been a Nice Guy. I've been a relatively decent human being despite my flaws but that's not related to being a Nice Guy.

I tried hard to be the person that I thought everyone else would want me to be. I even convinced myself that that was just how I was. I seldom talked about what I wanted, instead deferring to the group or other person because they should get what they want. If they get what they want they'll like me more. If I missed out on a few opportunities of getting what I wanted it was okay because everyone else was happy.

Self-deprecating humor? Oh, I mastered it. It's funny, making fun of myself! I didn't mean any of it, of course, except the ones that were funny because they were true. (protip: that was all of them, in my head) I was being funny, and people like the funny fat guy!

Want me to drive 2 hours in one night to help you get to work on time because your car died? No problem! Need help moving but can't afford a moving truck? Can I rent one? Of course I will, because that's what friend do for friends. Dinner that was spouses to be a date turning into you, me, and the there other guys you're seeing? Why would that upset me?

Of course I'm okay with our relationship being platonic.

Notice me. Like me. Make me feel good about myself by validating my existence.

Never realizing I have value beyond these things and that people want to be around me because I'm fun to be around when I'm calm, relaxed, and just having fun.

Validation comes from within. All emotions exist and can bring about positive change in life, not just those feelings we've deemed "good."

My old way was dishonest to myself and to those affected by it. That wasn't everyone but it was a large enough swath of the population of people I know that it is something that needs changing.

So no more Nice Guy. Assured, non-validation-seeking, friendly and fun? I can do that.

Hi, I'm Jeremiah. It's nice to meet you. I hope you can come to know the real me.

10:35 pm: Things
1. I ask a question that you might be able to help me with over at my other blog. Know something about recumbent trikes, or maybe know somebody who knows something? Go check it out!

2. I'm working now. I can't really talk about where (very strict privacy policy) but I'm happy to be working again and earning some money. I'm definitely glad that I'll be able to get a place of my own in a week or two and that I can start paying back some of my debts. There are one or two that I feel more than a little guilty about waiting this long to have begun paying.

3. I've continued to lose some weight and can tell that my stomach has actually shrunk. Not that I can see that the weight has fallen off but instead I tend to feel full much quicker than I used to. If I can start eating the same portions but of healthier stuff (with less carbs especially) I think I'll see even more drastic improvement, which would be amazing!

4. If anybody feels like posting/emailing me some cheesecake shots (jmfargo@gmail.com) I'd be more than happy to receive them. (What? I thought maybe I could sneak this in here. Is that wrong? I like cheesecake.)

5. Yes, I am totally expecting people to send me pictures of actual cheesecakes now. Because I am friends with dorks. I'm also friends with sexy women and cute guys so I can hope. Right?

01:24 am: Money, Fitness, Planning
Every time that I've ever tried to get in shape I've made the plans with no real reason other than merely getting in shape. The goal has been just for the goal's sake and no other reason. This has caused a waning of interest over time and leads to me being more likely to fail. 100% likely to fail as a matter of fact, as I've failed every time.

But this time I have a goal that I feel driven to complete. I've never felt such an overriding calling to do something as I feel about traveling on foot around the United States. I want to visit each state (AK and HI wouldn't be on foot though) and I want to walk thousands of miles. I want to live in a tent. I want to see things nobody else will ever see or at least a combination of things nobody else will ever see.

I would be more well along my journey if I had planned better, saved more, and generally taken all the proper steps beforehand. Instead I'm here in Pendleton, Oregon at a pause in the journey. Over the next 6-12 months I will be working (I start a new job Monday), saving, and planning. I'll be getting in shape and figuring out how I can actually do this without dying or failing in some other major way.

The big four goals over the next few months are as follows:

1. Save at least $2000 for emergency cash.
~I had nothing in the bank when I finally got to the west coast. Nothing in the bank means not even enough to stay at a hostel in the big cities and nothing with which to buy food if I run out and can't busk for more.

2. Plan my route.
~I need to make sure that there are more towns along my route where I can refill my water and food. The route I was taking had, at one point, over 100 miles between two towns. This is not acceptable and I will be more careful.

3. Improve my gear.
~I need a better pack, better way to get clean water, and a few other things here and there. In fact I need a list of what I need for better gear. I guess that's step one.

4. Be fit enough to walk at least 20 miles per day, hopefully more.
~This will help overall in so many ways that listening them would need a post in and of itself. On top of that, fitness! Whoo!

So I need to take steps to get each of these goals done. Some steps can be taken each day and some will take a little more time. I need to get myself a paper journal and start tracking all of this. Paper journals feel a little more real to me than digital. I think that's just my age showing.

Even if I'm stuck in one place for a year before I feel ready to go again I AM going to get going again. I need to. I'm driven to. Simply put I cannot imagine myself doing anything else.

12:55 am: Fame
So one of the things I'd really like to do while I travel the country is meet some cool people. Some of the people I'd like to meet happen to be famous. I don't really care about their fame; they just seem interesting.

Is it too forward to email some of these famous people when I'm in/near/around their town, explain what I'm doing, and ask them out for tea?

Thoughts?

09:14 pm: Sick Day
I was supposed to have an outing to a karaoke bar tonight but wasn't sure I should because I'd been feeling unwell all day. Light-headed, nauseous, flushed, with a headache and a bit of a bad mood.

Late in the day I realized I hasn't had anything to drink, so I slowly sipped some water to make sure I was hydrated. This took the edge off and I felt better for a while.

As I was prepared to head out for karaoke my stomach turned left, I rushed into the bathroom, and I lost everything I've eaten today. I didn't eat a lot, it feels as though nothing actually digested.

I need to be not sick. That would be great. And I need to get some liquids in me.

I'll be good by morning. Positive thinking works, right? If I keep saying it, it'll happen.

I'll be good by morning.

12:40 pm: Alternate Reality
So let's say I end up in an alternative reality where I never existed. I need, for whatever reason, to convince YOU that this has happened and that we know each other.

What could I tell you that would convince you to at least hear me out?

02:55 pm: Playing With Fire
Here in Tacoma, having a fun time. Burning a little fire with my friend L. Lisa Lawrence. Check it out!



Tags: fire, spinning poi, tacoma, video